“Address to the patrons....”

Date

1-7-1812

Newspaper

Edenton Gazette

Page and Column

Page 4, Column 1

Newspaper Location

Edenton, North Carolina

Serial Number

868

Abstract

Long poem by the editor of the newspaper on the events of the past year, mentions earthquakes and comets.

Transcript

SEAT OF THE MUSES ADDRESS TO THE PATRONS OF THE EDENTON GAZETTE ON THE Commencement of the New Year. "Time, like a Stream that hastens from the shore, "Flies to an ocean where 'tis known as more; "All must be swallow'd in this endless deep, And Motion rest in everlasting Sleep." PATRONS and Friends, once more old Time Calls forth the news-boy bungling thyme, Compels him to invoke the aid Of Muse the tenth, who's hither stray'd, Prognosticating dire events, To flow from party discontents. All hail! Portentious Sister! thou, Whose tail illumes heav'n's arched brow! My "solitary dwelling" light; Put Pednantry himself to flight' Let gravity draw out my phiz, Like that of any moder quiz; While in true Hudibrastic strain, I vend the "cobwebs of my brain." Hail, matchless Comet! blazing star! Omen of ink-and-paper war! >br>Thou burning fount of rhyme, whose beat, With pith of satire is replete; Thou, on whose tail I fain would ride, Rather than old Peagus stride, And pay my homage at thy shrine, In preff'rence to the other Nine. Thee, I invoke-thy and I court; Thy scorching influence exhort; While, in the very tail of rhyme; I would with Calliepe chime, And on the dreds of mighty men, A little nonsense now and then Serve up as sauce-a hotch-potch dish, Like chowder of all sorts of fish. First, urg'd by Custom's good old rules; The standing laws of modern schools; The news-boy would, with hearty cheer, With all of you a happy year; Hoping you lots may e'er be cast, Far from Adversity's chill blast, Where Freedom's smiles cheer ev'ry face, And Independence holds her place; Where Liberty waves high her cap, And Ease reclines in Pleasure's lap. May Ceres plenty crown your boards, And ev'ry blessing Heav'n affords, Be show'red on you happy land, By him whose Providential hand Guarded through revolution's storms, And snatched you from Oppression's arms; That Liberty and Peace bestow'd, For which the breasts of patriots glow'd; For which your fathers nobly bled, And victims fell on honor's bed. Cementing, with their lives and blood, A fabric which e'er since has stood, Unmoved by internal foes, Or factions aiming deadly blows. Patrons, permit me to inform you, (The thought inspires me-may it warm you;) A printing press is like a Comet, Because tales are emitted from it. "Tis also, like the Sun, a source Of light and heart, which often forgo The mists of error from the mind Of man politically bind; Diffusing light and knowledge e'en Where ignorance had ever been; Heating with zeal for public good, Those who its enemies had stood; Filling the brave with martial fire; Kindling in others, among desire To emulate the truly good, And stern the tide of Folly's flood. In hopes to lend you to reflection, On Webster's notable collection, Of earthquakes, pestilence and drought, And wars 'twixt whale and salmon trout, Of frosts and famines, cities drown'd, And hailstoned weighing full a pound; (All which events, no doubt, took place, Because some Comet show'd her face;) I merely shall pretend to show, What all of you perhaps may know, That in puridence of an act I beg of you don't doubt the fact) Of the last Comet which appear'd, Whose pow'r old women much have fear'd, The last year's out of office turn'd- A thing ne'er dreamt of or discern'd By wiseacres, yet so it is; And for no single fault of his, Oh, strange event! record it then, Inimitable Webster's pen! Let future generation know, That years into oblivion go- At Comets' node, no more are seen, Than though they never had have been. What next?-as true-another year, The self same Comet made appear; For who can doubt, when such events, A Comet rarely e'er prevents, But that all mischiefs and mishaps, Are but a Comets afterclaps. Now, Patrons, turn your eyes, awhile, To Washington's thin scatter'd pile; Where all the wise ones of the nation, Are working hard in legislation, And war reports are crawling out, To let us know what they're about- But stop-we'll patient wait, and see, Whether the bairn a mouse will be; Or whether a non-intercourse, Embargo, war, or something worse. At any rate, as Comet rule, We'll wait, till from the blazing school Of wisdom shall appear a nose, Or tail, its secrets to disclose. But as the Chesapeake affront, Of differences, the very brunt, "Twixt ours and the British nation, May lead to an accommodation Of all the other points, which long, Have kept both nations right-both wrong; I do not think it would be just, To strike her till she strikes us first; Nor then, as oft we've done before, Turn th' other cheek and wait for more. Our State too, has in council met, And rogues and knaves begin to fret, For fear a Penitentiary May catch such scoundrel as J.***y, We hope, however, as reform In "church and state" can do no harm, That such wise plans may be devis'd, As ne'er will need to be "revis'd;" That e'en our military force, May be prepar'd for something worse Than merely should 'ring clubs and sticks, Or fighting swarms of hungry ticks. Our penal code, we also hope, May be so alter'd that the rope, Injustice to the murd'rer due. May never let another through; And that the value of a horse, Of life, particularly when, 'Giant horses we put lives of men. Our western sky, for some time past, By black'ning clouds has been o'ercast, In savage form, thick gath'ring round, To raise the war-whoops dreadful sound. In this alarming crisis-true, Our government did something do; And troops, it seems, were sent to scoff at The celebrated western Prophet; And if, forsooth, that would not do, To fire off a gun or two, But he, with savage bears and whelps, Attack'd them merely for their scalps; And that, without the least respect To faith or decency.-Reflect, Ye noble British Pienips! Ye Gillie Dukes! Ye vaunting foes To truth, to honor, and good faith, Which mother of your nation hath. Reflect, that by examples' force, You're making e'en the savage worse: For he, like you, his word worst keep, But tomahawks us while asleep; Compels us in the dead of night, To rise in shirt-tails, die or tight; Sequesters all our beef and horses, Nor designs to recompense our losses. Patrons, e'er this, you're out of breath, Waiting for King of England's death; But rest awhile; for if good matters Can be procur'd, depend the glutton, In spite of fevers, agues, sprains, Or lack of in effect or brains; Will, soul and body, stick together, Like negroes in cold wintry weather, Till by some friendly Comet sent, Where long ago he ought t' have went. However, when he quits the stage Of life, in England, such's the rage For pugilistical combats, The people may turn democrats; And in the present Regent instead Place Molineaux with broken head, Or call on Crib to take the helm Of State, and brutalize the realm. I almost forgot to mention, Swarms of French pirates' condescension; Who hover on our coasts like bees, Hive in our harbors when they please, Send crews on shore to throng our streets, And kidnap men to man their fleets; And murders now and then commit, Regarding not our laws a whit. But late, their arrogance has met Savannah tars in Yankee pet, Prepar'd to show them Norfolk play, By firing them like ricks of hay. In fact, experience has show'd, Burning and sinking alamode De France, our tars as perfect in, As taking down a glass of gin. For lighter boats are made to vomit, Fire like the tail of any Comet, To make "one grand illumination" In honor of the imperial nation. Alas! The poets' aching heart, bleeds but to think of Buonaparte Whose deeds informal, mark'd with blood, Have drench'd half Europe is a flood Of human gore; But dire mischance! This modern Cataline of France; No Petreius had met in fight, To put his myrmidons to flight. Well had it been for Galilia's sons; Well had it been for Spanish Dons, If some kind noose had caught his neck, And to his progress put a check; Had Jaffa's plains but op'd their womb, And offer'd him a timely tomb; Or Corisca been swallow'd up, With all his train, a motley group Of kings, who now with iron sway, Rule, but his mandates to obey. Why does not Webster tell the world, What Comet into being hurld That monster-curse of all the earth- What star preceded at his birth? If none, then now, things are revers'd, And out of order man is curs'd; For if he came before a Comet, Something was wrong, depend upon it. His babyship, the King of ROme, too! Lord, sirs! I don't know what he'll come to And clothed when he's put to bed, He soon must have a throne to sit on, For nothing [unreadable] he'd deign to **** on. Also his little wooly brother- "For all the world" just such another; Except perhaps a shade or so. Darker than mighty young King Bo; But as he's heir to Hayti's crown, Let him either be black or brown; We'll keep right side of him, for fear He'll send his black battalions here. Another singular affair; I nearly had forgot-Don't stare! But all your faculties collect, And take a view 1st retrospect, Of Captain Bingham's Little Belt, Which strongly of a Comet smelt, If his account may be believ'd; For by her tail's tremendous fire, Or Bingham is an errant lyar, The President be nearly sunk, Merely to show his British spunk, And had our frigate been of brass, She'd not have fouth another glass, E'er forc'd by such a dreadful pelting, To th' last extremity of melting; A sad extremity-no doubt- 'Tis e'en too bad to think about. But now for vengeance! Patrons arm! Rush to the ocean! "which most harm Can do the other, let us try!" Yawls, smacks and whaleboats, all let fly! Torpedoes range along our coast, And severed them to keep their posts; With minute men as tneders to them, To watch our enemies and crew them So nicely on these foes internal, They'll blow them into worlds eternal. And now, were I at helm of state, D'ye see, I would do something great; At all [unreadable] be ready for In time of peace, a three week's war. None of your laughing now nor sneering; Because I'm not electioneering; But am in earnest, and would do' All I have said and much more too. I'd have a standing force so strong And large it could not move along- Gunboats, with each a fiery tail, To send forth show're of hail- Of them, I'd send out such a fleet, Should they with Britain's navy meet, Their crews the whole of it would eat; Drive all the sharks from off our coasts. And make the whales turn pale as ghosts; Lay Europe under contribution; Force Bony to make restitution, For all our property sequestered. Or wish he never had no [unreadable]. Sink all the Barb'y States and then Tow Asia with these back again; With England nicely stow'd away Is "the after lockers"-But I pray, Keep this a secret, and you've made Your fortune just by way of trade; But if Collectors find it out, You'll rue what you have been about; For by the act nonimportation, All will be forfeit to the nation; And you, alas! Will have to pay Great Britain's debt as sure as day" And unless France stands our security, (For now her faith alone is surity,) By governmental kicks and knocks, You'll all be driven to dry docks. Though I am loth to give advice; Or falsely modest for a trifle, When all these feelings one can stifle; Therefore, I recommend, that you Keep LIBERALITY in view; For Charity is such a virtue, Its influences can never hurt you; But it may yield the newsday joys, Which sought but lack of cash destroys. *The Carrier of the Gazette, presume that his Patrons will excuse him for annexing the Comet which has recently appeared in our hemisphere, to the hat of Muses; as prose writers have taken much greater liberties with it. **For the sage remarks of Noah Websters Esq. on Comets, see Edenton Gazette of the 3rd ult. ***Here the poet is not under the influence of the Comet; but alludes to Major Floyd who, it is said, in the late encounter with the Indians, "fought like Caesar in his shirt tail!!" ****His Majesty's Favorite dish. The old fellow is said to be very sheepishly inclined. *****Within a few months past, our sailor have burnt three French picaroons-one at Norfolk, and two of Savannah. JANUARY 1ST, 1812.

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